It is the 21st Century and your mouth is virtually useless unless you are ordering fast food. To combat this global outbreak, scientists quickly scrambled to invent a way for mankind to continue communicating quickly and efficiently without the use of their mouths or ears. The result was what we all know today as texting.

Though initially called “sign language” in the early 90s during the beta testing of this technology, it never quite caught on with the public due to its ineffectiveness at great distances. Field testing proved disastrous. It was during these tests that the widely used catch-phrase “Crush those turtles!” was coined after a misinterpreted signing led to unspeakable carnage at a nature preserve in the summer of ‘92.

With the advent of cellular telephones, scientists understood that the ever-increasing mouth disorders would soon render the cell phone obsolete. However, realizing the potentials of the technology, they quickly utilized their research with the now-suspended Sign Language program and converted it into a new government sanctioned program called “Text Messaging.” Eventually, that technology led to the widespread use of the text message, and alleviated much of the problems associated with the rising inability to talk coherently.

Considered a boon to mankind, texting is a fast and fun way to “talk” to your friends and family (even strangers!), and can be used in a variety of applications. But like many things in this world, you’ve got to learn to protect yourself from the people who would use texting to cause another “Crush those turtles!” incident. These people have been dubbed “Volatile Texters.” Volatile Texters can disrupt your daily life and cause unnecessary problems with only one text, so it’s important to know how to recognize a Volatile Texter, learn how to abate their anger, and then take the necessary steps to avoid future altercations.

Volatile Texters look just like you and me. Some can even hold perfectly normal texting conversations for long periods of time. However, underneath their pleasant text messaging lies a volcano of torrential hostility just waiting to explode. Generally speaking, you can recognize a Volatile Texter if that person is chronically angry or abrasive in person or if they have a history of email and texting abuse. Unfortunately, more often these day you won’t know a Volatile Texter until you receive a text message of angry content from them. When this happens, follow these steps to diffuse the situation.

Step 1: Remain Calm
Do your best to not become angry yourself. Resist the urge to use common phrases like “drop dead” or “bite a squirrel.”  You’ll need to be able to think clearly. This gives you the advantage, since Volatile Texters rarely think.

Step 2: Offer Clear Explanation or Apology (Deserved or Not)
It may pain many of you to do so, but quickly diffuse the situation by explaining what you believe to be the cause of this disagreement and offer an apology. The Volatile Texter will believe they have won, but you will never text them again, so who cares?

Step 3: Use Smiley Faces
Offer a joke or euphemism followed by a smiley face. It will confound the Volatile Texter at first, but persistent good will has an adverse effect on antagonism and will soon loosen tension. But be careful to not use “lol” or “haha” since these pretty much denote insincerity and may incite further outrage. Smiley faces are the surest way to indicate that there are no hard feelings, since the cute little icons that are used to represent them are just too adorable to get angry at.

Step 4: Avoid that Person like the Plague!
After diffusing the situation, make sure you don’t ever bother that person with a text as they have now been identified as a Volatile Texter. This will lead to fewer and fewer altercations in the future. However, in the case that the Volatile Texter is a loved one, take a different course of action – send smiley faces often, and only smiley faces. They’re like flowers that never die.

There you have it! You’re ready to text! Now that you know the proper steps to deal with a Volatile Texter, you can begin texting with renewed confidence. Go congratulate someone for a job well done; wish someone a happy birthday; make a marriage proposal! Texting is a wonderful means of expression! Just as long as you know the right way to keep safe, you can text with as many people as you want! It’s a big world and there’s plenty of people just waiting to text you!

Get out there and show somebody that you know how to communicate and communicate well!

Tags: antagonism, smiley face, texting, volatile texting